Memories

I remember the day when I could call you and let you know what my day looks like, my moments of quietness and my moments of joy. Now it just seems so distant. I’m angry, sad and on some days I just ask WHY? Why you, why my number 1 person who I had that was in my corner at all times regardless if I was right or wrong. You were the 1 thing that I held on to that made me feel like I was a part of something. Mommy I miss you, Mommy I long for you, Mommy I just want to hear you just say ” I Love You” one more time. Our days and nights of laughter and you telling me everything will be OK is now just a figment and I so miss that one person who roots for me, who jumps through hoops for me, the one thing that was CONSTANT for me. As I write my feelings down, GOD who is so Awesome reminds me “WHY NOT YOU”. He had to choose one of HIS Best Champions, One of HIS STRONGEST, ONE of HIS ANGELS who’s VOICE, LOVE, UNSELFISHNESS, FAITHFULNESS and ADMIRATION for others. Someone who has a CANVAS of VALUE and ADVERSITY in which SHE OVERCAME and Had FAITH in the one thing that we all take for granted “GOD”. Yeah it’s hard and it’s a struggle to see you so DEPENDENT but I am now DEPENDENT on the CREATOR, the MOST HIGH the one who MADE YOU and ME and I know that as HE never left YOU HE will not Leave ME. Although you cannot understand or comprehend what day it is, or who I am, I know the one thing you do hold onto is that YOU bore a WOMAN who is an extension of you and my duty to you and GOD is to be YOUR VOICE and let people know that ALZHEIMER is a DISEASE that AFFECTS MANY and ALZHEIMER WILL NOT WIN! Not in my HEART, Not is my SOUL but it will be a CANVAS for a PAINTING that I will PAINT to let others KNOW that I LIVE this LIFE, I BREATHE this LIFE and I am AFFECTED BY this LIFE but it will not RUN my LIFE because YOU are a STANDING TESTIMONY of WHO you are and WHO you still will become as your LOVE and FAITH is what keeps me going. I know you feel my LOVE and I know you get ME but sometimes I just want to YELL at the top of my lungs and SAY MOMMY I MISS YOU, MOMMY I LOVE YOU and MOMMY I’m holding it down for you and as long as I have A VOICE, As Long as I have STRENGTH, You will never be forgotten and INVISIBLE SIGNS INC. will be the CANVAS and VOICE for you. I hope you are proud and I hope you know that your PUTI is still running the RACE for you and others who are AFFECTED BY THIS DISEASE CALLED “ALZHEIMER’S”

 

 

The Caregiver

My mother once said to me “Who will love me when your gone?.” I thought about this and laughed and said “Mommy, of course I will!” but little did I know she was implying about her loneliness when I would go on my journey of being a mother and have a family of my own. My own selfishness would not allow to see the loneliness she would have to face as I would walk out to start a journey of my own independence. It was as I was 15 years of age she would tell me a story of a man who I would soon know as my “DAD”. The man that did not create me but later he would be the backbone of our family of two and a constant male figure in my life. They had 10 years of separation before he found her and confessed his adoring love he had always had for my mother. We had our moments and my selfishness would not allow him to be a part of my heart so quickly for my trust in MAN had vanished when my biological father abandoned me emotionally. Being a daddy’s girl it was very hard for me to allow another MAN to come in and let me down with his false promises and neglect of loving me unconditionally. Now we have “DAD”, regardless of the fight I would put up he still came back as that silent comfort of reassuring me HE would never leave me or my mother and HE would then back that with his proposal for my mother’s hand in marriage and then become her CAREGIVER. Who would of thought that this MAN who traveled far and near to find the love of his life would now have to endure watching His LOVE disappear in front of his eyes. I can’t imaging it or can probably never comprehend, but one thing is for certain I know what it looks like and what it is called and that’s “LOVE”. That enduring, unconditional, supportive, patient, non wavering, faithful, respectful, committed, inspiring LOVE. You see had I not seen through my mother’s eyes and connected to her heart and her cry for LOVE, I would never had the opportunity to witness first hand GOD’s Grace, Mercy and HIS Love for my mother in not only providing my mother with her heart’s desire but HIS will of what HE kept for her because HE knows when we need it and when it’s time to receive it.

The News

It was 8 years ago when I received that call that would forever change every part of me. The call I would receive that I thought was a prank call. How could this be? not my Mommy, my protector, my confidant, my love, my best friend. How could someone so strong and vibrant with independence gleaming all over her become so dependent and left with no memory. Was I dreaming, or was I in denial of signs in which were invisible to me. Me and my mother were two peas in a pod and her voice of reasoning and love were now that of a total stranger. Who is the person in front of me? Her eyes which use to light up when she saw me now resembles an uncertainty of a person she loved so dearly. My name she would soon forget and all the birthday calls I would receive would turn it to just memories. I was numb to the news I received and stuffed it way down in my soul so I could be strong for my family. My muse, my every day sunshine of awakening of every part of being which was in me is now an everlasting memory I hold onto to make it through another day. You see it wasn’t the news that numb me, it was knowing I will never here her I love you’s, her I’m so proud of you, her fight songs for me, her singing happy birthday to me, her just loving me unconditionally which now is just a memory I hold onto dearly.

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